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  • Writer's pictureAshley Gray

My inner mean girl

I'm presenting at a national conference in March. I am nervous. I am excited. I am apparently also becoming obsessed with looking good at said conference. That means my inner mean girl is working full time. She is the "oh-you-think-you-look-good-let-me-humble-you" voice in my head. She obsessed over rolls and places a magnifying glass over all my imperfections.

1. Baby my inner body shamer needs no help. She's skillful and methodical in hurling insults at the worst possible time. Me: *feeling cute and confident* Her: Girl, that back roll ain't cute.

2. Listen, I'm relying on the validation of others to feel ok that's how I know I gotta get her in check. Validation from others is ok, but not being able to convince myself is another.

3. Scales are humbling af. 1... wait, is it an option to do this naked. It's the cardigan that's making me heavy. Maybe I should've gone without the lotion. Door knocker earrings are at least 3 lbs each, right?

4. When you mention wanting to lose weight everyone has advice. "Try this... Do this... When I lost..." Sis, I wasn't asking for advice. I just need a little support on my journey. Everyone is a fitness trainer when it's convenient.

5. I swear she makes it worse. She makes me feel bad for wanting cookies. She counts my calories for me. She makes me go from second guessing myself to extreme measures like eating green plants only for three days. At that point, my stomach hates me.

6. Maybe jeans are just made wrong and the roll that sits about them is more natural than we give it credit for.

7. Do waist trainers really work? I mean I end up sweating worse than Bob, Shareé's ex-husband but they never give me the magical abs the girl on the package has.

8. Maybe I'm not supposed to be built l

ike Bernice Burgos. I mean Bernice ain't even built like Bernice. She bought that look.

9. Am I supposed to believe these Instagram girls are actually built like that? Bernice works out every day and her rump jiggles when she does squats. What in the flat tummy tea hell?

10. On a serious note, I survived depression and an awful break up months ago. During that time, I gained a significant amount of weight. I am constantly reminding myself that this vessel I call my body has been with me all my life. It has carried me through every trial and tribulation and it's still beautiful. Every curve, every stretched skin mark, every imperfection is a reminder that I am still beautiful. It's easy to encourage girlfriends not to body shame but how do you stop yourself from those awful silent thoughts? Get your inner mean girl in check. She's gotta go.

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