you know besides slavery, oppression, poverty, and supremacy in America...
1. Mary J Blidge’s last projects. In order to create a more detailed example it’s important that I start all the way back at the dancery. Mary has gotten away with murder as we listened to the soulful crooning of “You remind me” or “Real Love”… let’s be honest… that was when Mary was jamming. I’ll even give her some credit for “My Everything”… but nothing else has been good since she was on that bed singing with Lil Kim in that dark ass house. Mary’s latest negro spiritual while holding the hands of Presidential candidate and Secretary Hilary Clinton, caused me such deep racial guilt. Like what good does it do to sing our oppression to White folk? It was real Vaudevilleish and I ain’t got time for that. For the sake of sparing myself and you from the crispy chicken fiasco, I’ll just make it my sing of the day.
2. Mona Scott Young. Mona, mona, mona… I’m all for Black women collecting a coin or two. Make your money girl… but yo these story lines are out of control. You find the wackest, fake body-having, accidentally waking up with full beat faces people ever. I’m tired of story lines where people are always caught in the act too. Like let’s be real your uncle has been cheating on your aunt for the last 37 years and your auntie ain’t never thought to pop up at the sizzler at 12:37pm to catch him. You gotta stop Mona.
3. Crack & heroin. I actually don’t have much more to say after that…. Ok fine, I’ll add this. Maybe Black folks can start getting some of those emergency anti-narcotic injections since now that White people started dying from heroin they created.
4. White feminism. Listen, Ross and I went to this event about Black women and the WFS showed up (White Feminist Society). We were invited to spend a week in the woods (camping) to discuss the new wave of feminism and how to make it more inclusive. Listen, we can start being inclusive by knowing my Black ___ ain’t about to sit in no tent with you for a week. Come immerse yourself into my life as a Black, woman, feminist if you need insight. Ain’t about to have me around the camp fire singing like Mary J about the struggles of Black women. Nah. Nope. Google is free.
5. Omarosa, and the pizza dude Herman Cain. The Blackest thing Omarosa has done was get her edges relaxed. Bye. We don’t need you. We’re trading you in for Jo-jo. Girl got pipes. Herman, listen make those pizzas and stfd. I’m still embarrassed by you.
6. Black people’s love unfounded zodiac memes. For example, “Team sleep under the covers with the fan on. LEO VIRGO AQUARIUS… That ain’t nowhere to be found in zodiac readings. Stop lying.
7. Coconut Oil… It’s the new Crisco. I’m tired of these slicked fros and overly greased faces because of it. Coconut oil did not die for your sins, but coconut worship in the community is real. Got a migraine: massage your temples with coconut oil. Got gout: Take a tsp a day to keep the gout away Hair loss: spin around twice while rubbing coconut oil on your scalp in the shape of an octagon. I’m tried of y’all.
8. The dancery.
9. The Kardashians. These culture vulture, no original thought having leaches have slithered their way into the hearts of Black people. Got folks defending them like their cornrows aren’t appropriation. I know they tan a lot, but Kimmy and the rest of them are not light skinned Black people. And I blame them for Kanye. Reggie Bush must be thrilled that he broke free.
10. On a serious note, I appreciate our Black joy. I really do. We don’t always get lots. Live it up. Be bold. Be Black- unapologetically. Lest we not forget: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XukHU8y5GRQ
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