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  • Writer's pictureAshley Gray

10 Things I think as a delivert "pick-me"

So you all know I talk pretty openly about being a former "perfect" girlfriend. If you haven't read it, see here. Now that I'm delivert and set free of my former basic ways, I'm realizing why I can't go back. Here's why...

1. I can't teach your vacation bible school abstinence class. I'm not going to tell you to wait til marriage. I know- I know... you getting all old testament scriptures ready for me. Thanks, girl. I like a good WORD, too. I just don't live by the purity for women only narrative. Men stay having as many partners as they want and redacting that narrative more times than the Mueller report. Pastor Chris, we get it- you're 47. You've lived. Don't get up and tell us not to.

2. I can't teach your singles ministry class either. I keep failing at this. I live in and out of situat... I mean relationships.

3. At this point I'm not the perfect girlfriend because I've accepted that this lil fluff and I might just be a thing for a while. You either like a lil fluff or you don't. I'm not about to be training for iron man because your work GNC. That ain't my ministry.

4. It's just not fair. When you listen to music, there are 1,204,405,506 songs about how to prepare or marriage/keep a man/seduce a man... think about it. Betty Wright is the queen of basicry. "Be a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the streets- you can't show your teeth to every guy you meet. It's alright to be a little sweet, but be a momma to the kids, a you know what in the sheets." Betty... BETTY. That's a tired ass Black woman. She has too many jobs. Being in school and working full time is more than enough for me. My list needs a little condensing. I either gotta be cook in the kitchen or a lady in the streets tonight. Which one you want?

5. Who teaches mean to be good partners? Even the songs that attempt to are problematic. Take Frankie Lym... I mean Jaheim. Put that woman first. It requires that she already be tired of his Black... in order for him to start doing the basics. The only song that comes close is by the genius, silk shirt wearing, diva fan blowing, expert of emotional intelligence, Ralph Tresvant. "You need a man with sensitivity, a man like me." All 123 lbs of him meant that.

6. Fine. Let's talk about Ayesha Curry. I'm not a fan. Folks close to me and most of my innanet friends know this. I think she has run on a campaign of light skindeded (yes all those syllables) dullness and under seasoned tan chicken breasts. HOWEVER. She deserves to feel wanted. She's practically 12 years old, been married since she was 6 and now has 3 kids and less gravity defying boobs. She deserves to feel wanted. She has managed to give us the same human cloned three times (them damn kids look just alike). SHE DESERVES TO BE WANTED.

7. Hell. I want to be wanted. I may not tell you but I do. I only get on the step machine because that's where everyone in the gym can see you. Like I'm on Mount Moriah. Just perched looking down on the earthly vessels.

Nobody:.... Me: Yes, these are my natural hamstrings. It's hereditary.

Listen, I want my job to want me- because rent. I want my family to want me- because love. I want Michael B. Jordan to want me, but he keeps pretending as if this isn't a real thing. I want me to want me dammit. The point is... we all want to be wanted by someone or something. It's actually the most natural, non-performance, non- "pick me" girl statement I've ever heard Ayesha say. The rest of them usually involve something about how a chaste boring life makes you a better woman. This is why I'm not invited to the church faculty program. Y'all boring.

8. Deliverance from that perfect girl ish was hard. The narrative from the guys I liked at the time was very Ayeshacentric. And hell... I wanted to be wanted by them. When you parcel it out at this level, it makes understanding a Lil Kim much easier. She was looked over by the men she wanted because she was not light enough/ pretty enough/ didn't have Brazilian flowing locks, etc. So, she altered her self. There's something cruel about creating and perpetuating one standard of beauty then further ridiculing folks when they try to fit that mold. Just imagine if I had Kim money during my years of basicry... I would've had a Serena Williams special by now. I'm so glad I didn't and I hope that when I do, I still won't. That imposed life of puddle deep conversation, pretentiousness, fake purity doesn't work for me anymore.

9. I remember how being a perfect girlfriend had me round. Making pot roast for fun on a Tuesday night just because I wanted to impress a man with the net worth of a can of starkist tuna. Had me wearing spanx everyday because I was out here Ayesha-ing.

10. I want to be free. I want Black women to be free. Free to love herself just as she is. Free to accept love just as she is. Free to give love to other women who sometimes don't seem deserving. This includes the Ayeshas. I want her simple ass to be free too. Maybe she should get an Ayesha? In conclusion, every woman deserves a wife. Think about that. With all that wives do to enhance the most mediocre humans, what if we got ourselves wives? Me and my old lady were over at the Safeway last night, they have avocados on sale. Men would then have to start growing full beards to attract us and we could tell them what kinda hairlines we prefer they have while only talking to men with full follicles. Ok, for real, to the old Ashley and to the Ayesha's of the world... you deserve to want to be wanted. Start by figuring out how to want you first.

Because this is what making drinks looks like... :-/


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