This title sounds a lot more risqué than my actual train rides, however when I'm on the train, the people watching and narrative creating is at an all-time high. I give them names and make assumptions about where they're going. I assess their credit scores and relationships with others- all based on their outfits. Yes, I'm judgmental. So are you. Go with me...
1. So there's Connor. Connor joins us fresh off the breast and the Pi Kappa Alpha Frat house. This is clearly his first real job. He has on a nice navy suit with a bold red tie, clearly gifts of Grams. Here's the two things that make me think he's a child... dude is wearing a nice suit and Sperry's. Connor those are not dress shoes. I know you got to wear them at your local Jesuit high school but sir. ALSO. Connor has a juice box. Not any juice box, but organic, non GMO juice. Wipe the milk from your stache Connor.
2. There's Jim. He's a serial nose picker and finger nail biter. Now the order that those come in is between him and who he prays to. Either way, he is most of the reason I carry sanitizer and use it frequently.
3. Barb. Barb ran out of conditioner this morning. Her hair looks so dry that if someone lit a match wildfire would ensue. Dry shampoo is not a permanent alternative to actually washing your hair.
4. The train is crowded to the point where we are all touching someone in a forced intimate way. My anxiety is on level 10. Then there's Shawn. Shawn is this tall, Black, Adonis of a brother with salt and pepper hairs in his well groom beard. He is wearing cologne, but not enough where I need to breathe through my shirt. Just enough that I want to offer him my shirt. We are awkwardly standing right in front of eachother which makes me grateful that I actually brush my tongue and obviously spent some time on his too. It's really a lost art these days. Anywho, imagine having to hold on to a bar over someone's head for leverage and he is staring back into your eyes. Ok so maybe he didn't actually stare. I wanted him to though. As my stop nears, I just know bruh is gonna ask me for my number or hand in marriage. But nope, he let me go. Like I meant nothing to him. Maybe he wasn't that fine anyway.
5. I don't understand people who sleep on the train. There's Christian. He is not only sleep, but in the third rem. Bruh is leaning on people. Snoring. I don't know what kinda lifestyle Christian leads but it takes a lot out of him. He also trusts people too easily. He just got on the train and said, "To hell with caution. This wallet belongs to the community." Or maybe he's freer than I am. Or richer. Either way, I wish Christian some good rest tonight.
6. Savanah. Savanah is wearing the 2018 Little House on the Prairie Line and has long bodiless hair to match. Her dress is floral printed and ruffled in the wrong places, but just enough that you had to consider if her ma made it for her. Either way, I know she can kill a snake, ring the neck of a chicken and or make fresh butter right damn now. All things I can't do. She's better off.
7. Charles. Charles hasn’t had breakfast. How do I know? Bruh is looking at me like a fresh eggs benedict with the most delicious hollandaise sauce he's ever consumed. You ever had someone look at you so long you start to think you had a wardrobe malfunction? Like clearly I'm having a nip slip and no one told me. Charles either has super powers and can see into my future or dude needs to figure out a healthier way to satisfy his appetite. I ain't on the menu Charles. Also, those straight back braids are a natural deterrent.
8. Khloe. Khloe is clearly from Alabama. These hard spritzed pageant curls got to hold all day. She's no stranger to a ballroom gown and her talent is playing the spoons. She is going to find her husband in Farragut North whether he likes it or not. She's republican and voted for Trump, but she doesn't like the separation of those children from their families.
9. Bernadette. Bernie don't take no shit and she believes in getting to work early. She is adorned with a synthetic wig that has at least 5,937 curls and enough white diamonds perfume to cause all of our nose hairs to voluntarily fall out. It's 584 degrees outside and Bernie has painted that face with the finest Black Radiance foundation and rouge. You can't tell Bernie nothing. She's been using words like "sharp" and "thunder-cat" for years and you ain't gonna change that. She likely makes ok potato salad but makes up for it by keeping cold pepsis in surplus. She smokes Virginia Slims and plays spades like a champ. Bernie, you're alright with me. It takes courage to remain cool when wearing a synthetic hair wig in the dead of DC summer. Girl, just be my spade partner already.
10. On a serious note, I have lots of experiences on the Metro. One day I told a man I'd break his wrist if he touched me again. I meant it. I still do. On other days, I watch White and Asian people avoid the empty seat next to me like it has razors in the seat. It used to bother me. How dare they not want to sit next to me? I shower regularly, brush my tongue and usually greet people kindly. The reality that White and Asian people would rather fall on the train as it jolts them around then sit next to me is not something that I need to carry. Stand till you can't anymore. I hope you're anchored when this baby takes off. Karma comes fast and slow. Also, it's 596 degrees outside, it's literally too damn hot to hate someone.
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