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  • Writer's pictureAshley Gray

10 Things I think... Come on Stimulus Package

1. I used to imagine that when I get my money, I was gonna roll around the bed in it. Now, I have to Lysol it int the tub and let it wait five minutes. I will iron it thought.

2. They say it's $1,200 for single folks making $75K or less. I've already made plans for that. $600 is to pay me back for all these damn groceries. $200 for pain and suffering (nails and new hair color) and $400 for a new grill for my commencement pictures.

3. Anyone available to get married real quick? If so, I get $2,000 of the $2,400 because I proposed. We can make this work, babe.

4. Do the babies have to physically be here or can I just get knocked up? I'm really trying to maximize my package. My momma is ready for another grandbaby anyway.

5. Some hotep somewhere is criticizing someone for considering buying a Gucci belt when they should be investing patchouli oil production. "If you were woke, you'd be given to the patchouli for the Americas fund, not buying Jordans made in China." I swear y'all make me buy Jordans and Gucci just to piss you off. Bye dusty feet.

6. Some folks are saying they don't want anything from TR____. Hell, that ain't his money. You've got to be a damn fool to turn down a bailout that other corporations have gotten. I'm cashing mine so fast just like Precious when she stole that chicken.

7. What if they do us like Equifax? Been waiting on that $25 for 11 months. Equifax is a deadbeat parent. It's like you were on the porch, bag packed and they never showed up.

8. Do you have to pay tithes on a stimulus? It's not technically earned income. I feel like God would understand.

9. Now is not the time to let Terrance take your stimulus check on the boat (casino) and try to double your money. He will lose. You will be without your money. And you better believe he's keeping a portion to buy bottom shelf liquor for some woman at the club who thinks she's drinking Ciroc. I know Amsterdam when I see it.

10. On a serious note, I don't know if we are actually getting anything. While it would be nice, I am level setting my expectations. Also, that raggedy wench thinks it will secure our vote. You've got a better chance of Steve Harvey's lining naturally returning than me voting for orange. Also, this is not the time to police how folks do spend their dollars. Folks have long needed a bailout and this may be a small one. We can't be mad that a system was created to keep folks poor then be critical of how poor folks engage in survival spending.

I'm not sure this is accurate. Please do not take this seriously. When you hear the old White people on the Hill tell you the numbers for the check, fact check it first then share.

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