(again)
1. Today I drove past a truck labeled “Husband for an hour- Handyman service.” Initially, I was thinking my husband could never, but I now have a change of heart. Considering the fact that most people don’t have sex wit their own husbands this might be a safe venture.
2. Like maybe the handy service is just about arguing or like trying to get the kids to bed so he can fall asleep.
3. Marriage sounds so bad when you ask married people about it. As an unwed person, I’m beginning to wonder if there’s a way you can just go together and receive al the legal benefits. Because…
4. Married men are the most single group I’ve ever met. Look if you and Brenda can’t work it out and y’all are legally bound to each other I don’t have anything coming. Like Brenda has told God she was gonna love you and uphold all that stuff, but I didn’t bro. I’m good.
5. I’m beginning to understand just how easy it is to become a bridezilla. Like sis, if I ask you to wear a freeze for one day just do it. It’s my one day. I don’t care that you prefer creme over off white. Also, now is not the time to show off your new beaded jewelry line. I support you sis, I’ll order a few to give away as Christmas gifts, but this is not promo time.
6. On your wedding day you should get a pause, rewind and fast forward button. Like maybe you can fast forward his momma when she says, “I would’ve worn a little more fabric, but that’s just me.” Or maybe you can pause the moment when you see the best man about to give that tired game to one of the bridesmaids. And maybe you get to rewind the part where you and your partner say the words that you dreamed about all your life. And maybe the part where you dance and everyone in the room disappears. And maybe the part where you jump the broom together. And maybe the part where you get in the car to leave and say “we did it.”
7. I hate nasty wedding kisses. Seriously, I never want to see tongue. Ever. I don’t give a damb. Not one damb. Y’all need a community porn hub page because we didn’t consent to this.
8. Remember on the movie Soul Food when that girl was shaking her rump real close with Mekhi after he was recently married? I can guarantee that wouldn’t happen at my wedding. Baby she would’ve been scalped in 2.36 seconds. If I didn’t get to her first, she never wants to try my sisters. Like my new husband is at our reception dancing like he is at the Imperial Palace with a wrench??? I’d be on the cover of every newspaper.
9. So marriage is supposed to be forever but it ain’t natural to do or be anything forever. Think about it… what lasts forever? Not your trash @$$ period, not your edges, not your sanity, not your youthful metabolism, not your cash flow… Like what if you had a contracted period and then opted in for a renewal? Like leasing a car. What would be so wrong with that?
10. On a serious note, I really do value two messed up people getting to do something that’s not natural all in the name of a common goal. Shit is pretty admirable. Maybe your marriage isn’t perfect. Maybe you think marriage is trash. Maybe you thin marriage is a gift fro God. Either way, there’s something revolutionary about loving someone else despite their self. Whether married or not, I hope you get a chance to join this revolution.
-An unwed, wedding dress photo storing, lover of love.
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