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  • Writer's pictureAshley Gray

10 Things I Think... Instructions Needed

I have a love-hate relationship with Ikea. Just imagine the highs and lows after every purchase. Go with me on this... you buy this nice shiny new piece of furniture, load it into your trunk and go home with high hopes. You get this oblong box home and now it's time for the magic. Or so you think. You pull all 3,506 parts out and put your Bob the builder apron on... it's going down. THEN YOU SEE THOSE DAMN INSTRUCTIONS. Or the lack thereof. You see a picture book with poorly drawn pictures. You eventually mix up the screws and have to find a youtube video where they're assembling the "tyuioynt" (because they're spelled similarly). You need extra instructions. I'm at that point in my life. Like I keep assembling this thing together wrong because I don't speak "picture".

1. I'm lost as hell. I'm getting close to finishing this degree and things are becoming scarier. Questions about my graduation and the job market seem to make my stomach hurt. Truth is... I legit don't know. It's easier to tell people 2020 is the year they can call me "doc".

2. Some of my personal relationships are tanking. How do I maintain my platonic relationships like I try to maintain my romantic ones? Why do friendship breakups and separations hurt more than romantic ones? I'm having to make peace with the fact that family members are not given forever life contracts. People leave. It breaks my heart. I hate when people leave- on their terms or not. There are hurts I need to give voice to regarding the transition of some family members. Transitions are bringing old scars to the surface. It's raw.

3. I'm just about ready to tackle Michelle. Michelle is my property owner and unofficial- roommate. Every morning I get to hear her running on her treadmill every morning. I get to hear her laugh. I get to hear her argue with her ex that won't quite end things. I get to hear her talk on speakerphone. I gotta hear her walk over my head with wooden shoes on. She gotta be wearing LUGZ. No other shoe sounds like LUGZ. I swear she's heeltoeing and ATL stomping between 6:00am and 9:30am. She irks my nerves. She's a nice person, but DAMMIT I've had it up to here. Can't sleep in. I just need some extra zzz's every now and then.

4. I'm wondering when my time is coming for things. I see folks living their lives. And it's been hard to not compare my life to their highlight reels. Such and such just had a baby. Thomas nem just bought a house and here I am getting a 7th edition APA manual.

5. Is it time to move? I want to feel rooted. Truth is though (I'm tired) I can't afford to live in DC. Especially not with offspring. They gonna have to come out the womb completing a w-4. No one lives here for free "Baby Gray".

6. I don't want to talk. Normally, I put the E in extrovert but lately, it feels like my job is to do more listening than talking. The words that usually flow to me freely are imprisoned in my mind.

7. I can't get out of my head. Literally, I think about my future while I sleep. I wake up in full-body sweats trying to figure out if the dream had some type of message that I was supposed to remember. Either way, vivid dreams... every night. It'd be nice if I was getting the results from all the running I'm doing in my sleep. I might have an ab or two by now.

8. Motivation is dripping at the rate of clogged faucet. this is eery because my current showerhead actually sucks. There are days I might be better off going out back with the hose to get a little more drizzle action. I'm sure there's some kinda ordinance or law in place to keep me from doing this, but dammit it gets cold in there.

9. My body has been impacted by skress. Not stress. Stress is expected. Skress, on the other hand, is harsh and unruly. I keep trying to eat clean only for my body to whisper "flaming hot cheetos" in my ear as I want past the chip aisle.

10. Transition ain't fun. I know God has me. And it's still hard. Pray for a street scholar.

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