1. Tax return money spends the same as other money. And honey, I like to think it is the top shelf of money. Like who doesn't get happy about getting back some money they loaned the government? RUN ME MY MONEY! Large bills please. We don't do anything small over here. Me: Can you break a $20?
2. Yes, we can go to the sizzler with your new tax return. I'm not pretentious (see: dumb) enough to miss a meal because you paying with your tax return. "We'll have the sizzler delight please. Cheese on everything."
3. It annoys me when folks complain about the stores being more populated than normal."I see everybody got their taxes..." But you in there too, sis. Like... pipe down. You're gonna get that endless shrimp plate.
4. I vehemently hate that dancing tax man. I'm hoping the low, frigid temps require that the statue of liberty costume must remain indoors this year. I know that's employment for someone, but it brings me second hand embarrassment.
5. Every year, I calculate (down to the second) when I need to get pregnant in order to claim this offspring on my taxes. Parents always talking about it ain't that much. Well guess what? I'd like a little bit more. Filing solo ain't got no benefits. I see why some of y'all are married.
6. Before they hit send on the W-2s, I'm searching my inbox. "I know y'all got until the 31st, but my bills don't."
7. You ever make plans for the tax money (i.e. saving it) and it ends up spent between brunch and some trauma tennis shoes you never got growing up? Yeah... me neither. If you talk to me before i get my W-2s, I got plans to do everything from paying tithes to solving world hunger. After Uncle Sam gives me my $34 back, it becomes clear that a bottle of crown and an at-home meal are the way to go.
8. Nobody hates tax season more than folks who owe. I swear they are the grinches of this joyous occasion. "I wait until the last minute because I owe anyway. I don't get to have any fun." Meanwhile, the rest of us all year struggling, paycheck to paycheck, farmer's-market-is-the-closest-I'm-getting-to-organic, let's have a tax baby, folk can't wait to money snap.
9. No other time of the year do I question my need for a job than tax season. Imagine waking up a hundrednaire and having to clock in somewhere that doesn't appreciate you. You're worth more queen. You deserve. Quit that job. (For real don't quit... maybe take a few PTO days or something).
10. On a serious note, I've seen a bunch of classist, elitist, crap about how folks should spend their tax return money. Stop coming for folks taking advantage of joy and luxuries they may not be able to otherwise afford. Seriously. Can folks have a little joy? So you have to wait a little longer... who cares? It's tax season and some of us like to celebrate in peace.
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