In light of Meek Mill's new twitter rant and because I had been planning a blog about how to troll mens (yes, mens) on the interwebs, I thought I'd combine the two and present a comprehensive list of things men need to improve upon. So you don't like lace front Meek? Welp, here are a few things the national democracy of women Blacks ain't gotta see again...
1. "Hatfishing"... Listen, it's 99.8 degrees outside and you got on a full skully. Just let us see your scalp John. Even got the nerve to keep getting the sideburns edged up. What are they leading us to? Nowhere.
2. I once heard a man say you gotta take a woman swimming on the first date so you can see her in a natural state minus weave and makeup. First of all, that sew-in ain't going nowhere in that pool. Furthermore, Bigen hair dye has been lying to women for years. Men will dye down to their eye balls to give the appearance of hair. Tell me about the ancient Sharpie people from whence you've come that have jet black hair Lewis.
3. Missing side teeth. He can have a full dental package and not see that bicuspid as an essential part of his life. Charles, your tonsils are visible with your mouth closed.
4. A real job. "I donate programmable, automated peanut shells to elephants and wheat germ to cranes". So you like the zoo? You feed animals at the zoo. I do, too, but like... does it offer dental?
5. Basketball shorts are not an alternative for formal wear. I know those dry fit joints set you back a pretty penny, but that's not an outfit. And stop calling "A shirts" problematic names.
6. If you don't like sleeping next to a bonnet, then don't sleep in a durag. You're so busy worrying about her edges, but you working just as hard to maintain yours.
7. That beard upgraded you significantly. You know it. I know it. May it flourish, because without it...
8. Always critiquing a woman's body. If she hasn't had a large, tear drop, bounce a quarter-off-it rump in all her 35 years of life, just know that it wasn't essential. Meanwhile, you're built like the ham-burglar, but would melt like wax if she sat around and roasted you.
9. To hell with those wide legged pants. Honorable mention goes to non-fitted sport coats, and jeans with that thick white hem and bedazzles. What in the true religion catastrophe happened here?
Bonus: Y'all love to talk about not being interested in women with dry personalities, but won't put on lotion. Ashy.
10. On a serious note, this woman thing is hard. I'm sure Meek was joking and I know there are some BAD wigs out here (see the Vivica Fox wig collection). Here's the thing though... you have to examine the role you play in creating and fostering insecurities in others. Perhaps a little kindness and grace and remaining silent would be good for us all.
With this, I bid you farewell. This is Antonio "Pretty Tony" Johnson, also a descendant of the Sharpie people.
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