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  • Writer's pictureAshley Gray

10 Things I Think... Pluto, come out of retrograde. Please.

Pluto is in retrograde and I can’t stop these super reflective thoughts. Truthfully, I don't even know what that means. But, when I googled it, I see that it causes deep introspection. I mean at this point I have more questions than answers. Maybe you have some questions of your own? Maybe I'm just weird? I know that's a possibility, but here are my very vulnerable questions right now...

1. Will I always have to choose? There's a fine line between choosing and deciding. I think I'm ready for the deciding part. Ready to make some intentional moves.

2. What do I even want? Hell, half the time, I don't even know what I want for dinner. Dinner is a whole thing at my house. I’m a moody cook and I don't apologize for it. My thighs might curse me later, but eaux whale. This mood calls for beignets.

3. Am I comfortable asking for what I want? I had an uncomfortable conversation a few weeks back and I remember feeling a deep seated fear that this person I had the convo with was now going to leave. What would it be like to give myself permission and others to go freely without carrying that? This fear of abandonment kept me in relationships and friendships I had no business in. What if I gave myself the permission to live and live well after people leave? After all, I've never lost anything that was for me.

4. When to walk away from people and things when they no longer serve you well?

5. Why don’t White people bake macaroni? Furthermore, why do y'all add ingredients that aren't milk, cheese, noodles or butter? Squash ain't got no place in...

6. Is there someone for everyone? Really? Like, do you all believe there's someone for everyone?

7. Why do older Black people disrupt the sleep of the younger ones so much? I swear my momma will wait until you're in stage three of REM sleep to make noise with whatever object is nearby. I went home two weeks ago and she decided to put the dishes away at 7:40am. Carol, I get it- you don't need sleep like I do. Did you transition into a vampire or something? Like, why don't you like to sleep? She makes coffee loud too, y'all.

8. Why do White Castles betray me so?

9. Where the hell was burnout syndrome when Black folks were laboring and building this country?

10. My aunt asked me when I was gonna have a baby and I started explaining it to her like she was a child. “When two people really love... well... when two people horizontally... wait but vertical... ok here it is... when I find a human that is also ready to add another title to their name- that’s when. I’ll be old enough years old. Her: Well don’t wait too long. Me: There it is. I’m pregnant now. You see your desires for my uterus just got me there. I’m not sure she’ll want to talk to me about babies again.

Bonus... There are moments of sheer vulnerability where I want to know if the hand that wrote the universe’s story is also thinking about mine. The existential questioned when. When leaves me spiraling. When makes me feel forgotten about. All these questions remind me that I’m not centered. Now, I don’t mean that in some lay in the grass and look up kinda way (although that sounds like something I'd love to do), but rather, I’m not feeling centered in love. There’s something to be said about believing you are loved and know that when you are, things work out for your good. When you’re loved, time is not something you have to control. In fact, you’d rather not control it. It’s understanding the beauty in the present moment. Gratefulness for the breath your currently taking. I’m running back to it full speed.

I am her. She is me.

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