Stop making that turkey dry as hell. As a person who just really doesn't have to have turkey, it's important to know why. Y'all turn that turn into a pair of Nelly's air force ones every year.
Don't put all them eggs in that macaroni. Let's talk about the macaroni... just because Aunt Bertha uses half a dozen, don't you serve us that scrambled egg dish. Also of note, I hate when you can cut a slice of mac. That damn cheesy pie! No, thanks. Y'all gotta stop with this. And stop using velveeta only. We can come back to this later though.
We don't eat cranberries with the actual cranberry in it. I know someone is having a multicultural Thanksgiving and this will be helpful. Please remember non-Black folk... we eat the canned jellied sauce. And lean in closer (without coming within 6 feet of my person) it better damn be ocean spray brand.
We don't want any new experimental dishes. This is not the time for your remix on the 7-up pound cake. This is not time for a fresh romanesco salad. We don't eat salad, dammit. The green items are... green beans, greens, cabbage and your cousin sneaking of with their cannabis stash that's poorly hidden.
Let the dressing just be dressing. A little context... my aunt who I miss dearly moved to the east coast when were kids. She moved to the DMV to pursue her doctoral degree. Sound familiar? Well anywho, she started hanging with the crabcake eating, old bay seasoning, stuffing eating saints. She came home one time trying to change the recipe on the dressing. Got ridiculed out the kitchen. All I heard was "I know good and damn well Lydell ain't put no oysters in that damn dressing!" Black folks with southern roots understand that dressing is spiritual. God tells you, "A little more sage" or "more chicken broth" and then how long to brown it. If it ain't got GAWWWWDDDD (said like a Bishop preaching at a sweltering hot tent revival in a three-piece suit) in it, I don't want it.
Ain't much space for new menu additions or new guests. No, your lil friend can't come this year. We don't know her. And if any of us get sick, we're blaming her. This is not the time for a free-for-all. Also, now I have an excuse to not hug people I don't like. Bout to give ya ass a head nod and keep pressing.
People that eat turduckens are serial killers. Also, see people that roast watermelon and make videos about it tasting like meat.
Raisins don't belong in anything on that menu or any other dish for that matter.
I ain't eating all them leftovers so cook accordingly (talking to Carol). I give you one more day like New Edition sang and then DATS IT. A poem for the Saturday after:
I don't want no turkey salad. I don't want a turkey soup.
I don't want a turkey sandwich, so the rest of that's on you.
I don't want no mac and cheese and keep those candied yams
But hell yeah, I'll take a slice of that ham.
I don't need greens for days, I don't like shared commodes
I just want the homemade rolls and slice of pie- sweet po-ta-to
I don't want this picked over food after today and I'm not above going to
Burger King and havin' it my way.
10. Non-melanated folk, if you get invited this year just know that your Black friends really care about you. This ain't the time to reflect on how you grew up racist but through the intervention of witnessing whiteness and Zumba at the YMCA you change. Sit down, eat whatever a Black momma tells you, compliment her and nod with affirmation when they talk bad about the orange man. Don't be a hero, Conner.
11. Don't ask me no questions that involve my uterus, bank account, extra body weight or prospective marriage. Me, about where my lil friend is: Auntie, I have been in these streets and there's still nobody greater than the Lord. Surely, HE's enough- don't you agree? And if you comment on my weight, I will not take the Michelle Obama approach of going high when you go low. I will deep-sea dive on your ass, film a giant squid, take pictures with fluorescent jellyfish and then take my time coming back to the surface. I will withhold NOTHING. You go low and realize shawty get low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low. Why did Flo-rida make this song? I know it made him hella rich but still.
12. Nobody new gets to bring anything besides paperware. We don't know if you have cats, roaches and anything else. Grab the nice napkins and brush your tongue before you come.
13. On a serious note, I'm very excited for Thanksgiving. Not only am I going to be returning home a doctor but I'll get to see my folks. This pandemic has hopefully reminded all of us just how important it is to love on folks extra hard right now. Tomorrow really isn't promised.
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