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  • Writer's pictureAshley Gray

10+ Things I Think...What Do I Want in a Mate?

Tonight my full intention was to think through some things I want to manifest into 2019. With school it's easy to come up with a clear answer. I want to be done with it. I want to pass comps. I want to defend my proposal. I want a done dissertation. Hell, I want Sally Mae, MOHELA and anyone else to accidentally erase my loans. I want to do meaningful research on Black women and HBCUs that disrupts oppression. I want to be a college president. See? Easy. The challenge is, I struggle to do the same for my personal life. I can list 1,294,508 things I don't like, but the words to describe what I want seem to be buried deep. Perhaps if I flush a few things out here then I'll be in a better place? Well, here's my shot at what I want in a partner...

1. First of all, Jesus. This is important because Jesus is a cool dude. Like legit. He's not pretentious, he fed his homies, healed folk. I mean who doesn't want to be connected with someone who can turn water into wine?!? As much Apothic red as I consume... just saying.

2. Security. Yeah, I'm still interrogating this one. Safety is something that I seldom felt in my childhood. That's pretty important now. Perhaps this is a trauma laden ask, but...eaux whale.

3. Support and/or openness to feminist ideals. I don't want to have to argue for the rest of my life about why this is important.

4. Like me... like actually like me. I want someone who enjoys being around me. Who wants to do life with someone as flawed as me.

5. Working through their own trauma. I can't carry your crap and mine. Managing mine is a task that I'm not always good at.

6. Accepting family. After that last hoorah with the helicopter mom, I'm good on y'all's mommas. I know she thinks you're God's gift to earth, but she doesn't have to co-exist with you. You and your momma need have healthy boundaries, communication and support. Mom dukes ain't about to project her standards for womanhood onto me. We're good over here Cheryl.

7. Enjoys intellectual conversation. I mean... I want to talk everything from trap music to Baldwin.

8. Compatibility. In all the ways. ALL THE WAYS.

9. Manages anger in a healthy way. Look, as a passion filled person I get really heated at times. I need to know that your anger isn't a pass to recklessness. I want someone who values and works toward healthy solutions to problems.

10. Thoughtfulness. A little bit goes a long way.

11. Financially responsible. I know poverty. We were a thing at one point in my life. It was a one-sided relationship. I don't want to go back there. This in no way implies that I want a partner to be a sponsor, HOWEVER, the light bill can't get paid on promises. If you wanna record that mix tape in the basement cool, but YOU'RE GOING TO WORK.

12. Goal oriented. When you're making that basement mix tape, go at it fully. Don't hold back.

13. Family oriented. Mike and Gabe (nephews) staying on my policy.

14. Emotionally available. Having dated a few humans without emoting capabilities, I just can't do it anymore. You don't ever argue? Nah bruh, something ain't right. I'm no fan of conflict, but it has its place. You shut down? Nah. I can handle space while you process but I'm not about to read your mind and actions because you've stopped using words.

15. All their teeth. My friend Ash always tells me my obsession with teeth is rooted in trauma. I DON'T Care. That lil side tooth is important to me. I don't want to be looking over at that when I'm upset with you.

16. Attractive. Hell, I want to like looking at you. I want you to like looking at me.

17. Hopes to engage in parenting that leaves our children whole and healthy.

18. Someone who loves music and will dance with me. I don't know why I attract humans that don't dance, but I LIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE for a good juke session. I don't want to have to dance by myself all the time. You don't have to be Alvin Ailey, but please be willing to do that awkward two step with me.

19. Kindness. (nuff said).

Manifesting what I want is important. Practicing all the things I'm asking for in someone else is just as important.While I take time to work on me, I hope you're working on you. No rush. We got forever.

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