So, I've never had a good Valentine's Day. Perhaps I put too much pressure on the day. As president of the hopeless romantic institute, I just thought they'd be a bit more ummm- magical. Turns out, this day always causes me to do some reflection on what I'm entertaining. Me to me: girl, you know good and well ______ ain't taking this seriously.
Today my reflections turned to grief as I replayed the numerous times I begged for just a teaspoon of thoughtfulness. Does this day really matter or is it the effort folks put into making sure someone else feels loved that makes it worth it? Either way- the images of y'all's happy beginnings and thoughtfulness became a lot. I'm not mad y'all are happy- nah. I want folks to be happy. I just want to also be genuinely happy on this day, too.
I've heard all the cliche statements about today being about self love and we're doing just fine Ashley and I. We've been practicing this thing called honesty. And if I'm honest, I'm sad today. I didn't realize I had been holding back tears like the Hampton Roads Bridge tunnel but I have. The levy inside me broke though. I'm talking overpowered. I internalized my last broken relationship as a failure. Something about the convergence of statements about my age and marital status started to make me feel like I was broken. A breakup at 34 hits the same and altogether different when you're raising against an imaginary clock. Questions of do I just need accept that I may do life alone? And don't even let me get started thinking about kids.
Was younger Ash more resilient or is older Ash practicing so much honesty that she allows herself to feel? Either way, I'm honoring that today hasn't been the easiest of days. One day, when there are no longer tears, I'll tell y'all about my Valentine's Day experiences. Until then, I'm unplugging- not in envy but encouragement that the right love can and will be heading my way.
Happy Love Day to me & you, yo momma & yo cousin, too.
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