Breaking up with somebody is never easy. I mean... you go through the phases- disbelief, sadness, anger, blocking them on social media, being fake happy for them and ultimately being for real happy for them. So I wanted to do things different this time. Olesha said boundaries were healthy. Every time I try to set boundaries, it backfires. Below are cautionary tales of past breakups. I either bring out the petty in people or I choose the pettiest of the petty.
1. So... you know how you get into a relationship and you say, "To hell with boundaries?" Well, I messed around and added my ex to my Costco account when we were a thing. I mean, who doesn't like a stroll through the sample Saturday every now and then? Plus, those rotisserie chickens GO. So the other day, I tried to remove him because we haven't been together in years. Let me just say that Costco is petty. Costco sent him an email saying he's no longer on my account. I get a FaceTime call 3.28 seconds later with him accusing me of being petty. I was just trying to give my mom the extra card and here goes Costco snitching like Permit Patty.
2. You know how some girls like to wear a partner's shirt or b-ball shorts? Well I imagine my ex is doing that because he hasn't released few of my garments. I hope my cheerleading jacket from college brings out the luster in his beard. I wanted that jacket.
3. So... remember I told y'all my ex took a bag of frozen chicken and a half gallon of vegetable oil out of the kitchen when he broke up with me. He left the cupboards bare child. LOL! I'm pretty sure I forgot to tell y'all that he took my Huffy (bike) out of the basement. I'm not sure how he manages with all of that. Like, did he ride the bike and hold the chicken and oil in his right hand OR (go with me here) did he put the bag of chicken between the handlebars? Either way, he's a talented man. He deserved that bike.
4. I sometimes wanna ask if breakups mean I have to break up with some of the fringe benefits I enjoy. Like do our relationship ending mean I don't get to keep using your (our) cable app passwords? This costco thing might be a good trade off to keeping my cable access. Let me go apologize.
5. Families have to start honoring break ups. Once Junior and Brenda are done, y'all gotta stop inviting Brenda to the cook-out.
6. One ex was upset with me because I moved on too fast. When you break up with me expect that I'm working on something new- immediately. The bible even says, weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning. I'm just trying to live according to the Word.
7. I had to make this story number 7. It's a perfect number. It's also the best number to tell you about the other foolishness from the chicken stealer. Not a thief, but a stealer. So... we got back together after chicken gate. I'm not sure why. Perhaps I needed to start my journey to self love earlier on. Either way... we tried it again. Because it was doomed from the start... he decided he was tired of hiding his feelings for a new lady. He told me he was done with the relationship and intended to leave. I say ok- at this point, please do us both a favor. He then opens the door to my inner petty with his next statement. "I'M LEAVING, BUT FIRST... I'M GONNA TAKE A SHOWER AND IRON MY CLOTHES." I (clap) wish (clap) I (clap) would (clap) let you use my dove soap, the last 15 minutes of hot water and a grab a freshly laundered towel of mine. The bible says you came from dust, so go return to it. Or something like that. BYEEEEEEEEEEEE
8. An ex decided he was tired of looking at my pictures and proceeded to cut them up and leave them outside my door while I was at work. He got mad when I asked him if he cut them up in the rain to hide his tears. They were moist and it was a fair question.
9. I always tell my friends that if I get back with one of these humans they have to pretend they don't know anything. It'll be just my luck that one of them has more rum punch than I planned for at the reception and they sing like birds. "SO... you didn't think to remove the bulbs, or take chargers- You took some tyson wings, bruh?" I would melt.
10. On a serious note, these stories are a reminder that loving yourself is really important. There are some folks that don't even deserve to called your ex. That's an emeritized position. If I could do my 20s again... I wouldn't change anything. Seeing him run out my house like Precious with that chicken has been the single funniest story of my 20s. While these people are not bad people, we weren't good together. In fact, we were awful together. Some of them have gone on to find love and I couldn't be happier (for real this time) for them. Glad to be whole and see them whole.
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