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  • Writer's pictureAshley Gray

10 Things I Think... Carolisms

At this point y'all know my momma is Carol. Carol is so complex that she deserves her own post. What to say about my momma...?

1. Baby, she ain't hardly impressed. Especially by these soul food restaurants. She says things like, "You know they could've made the roux darker" or "They put sugar in the cabbage." You have to know Jesus, have a "Big-Momma" somewhere in MS, AR or LA and/or have been around during the era of paper food stamps to impress her. If you don't know what government cheese is, you need not apply.

2. She can be standing next to you and call you every name but yours. "Shana, Ronnie, girl whatever your name is..." Like, Carol, you named me. And there's only three of us. How do you not know my name?

3. Why do Black mommas yell for no reason?!? I heard you the first time you asked me to come into your room and hand you your remote that is also on your bed. I think mommas have kids so they can have remote and drink carriers. Like, I bet if I weren't here you'd get up and get hydrated. Let's pretend I'm not here girl.

4. She will not let you sleep peacefully unless she is. I have never heard someone even make coffee loud. Every cabinet gets slammed. Every spoon jingled. And don't get caught while relaxing... Carol will find a floor board or a new household project. And honey, the keys on her keyboard must've offended her at some point. They get PUNISHED.

5. I still have trauma to work through in therapy from her making us get up every Saturday morning to clean. I felt like it was inhumane. James Cleveland yelling in the background or the O'Jays or LTD or the Dramatics. Either way everybody she listens to yells as well. Back to the terrors of pinesol... I just don't thing she understands that bleach in large inhaled amounts ain't good for folks. I had acute asthma because of the bleach. I GUARANTEE IT.

6. She orders her chicken well done. It floors me EV-UR-Y- time. Some days I don't know if I'm biting into a wing or a fried pork crackling. Wings don't need to be well done Carol. They just don't.

7. When you post a meme, her first question is, "Who is that?" Girl, we don't know. Did you get the joke or nah?

8. She ain't your lil friend. This is interesting now because she hella wants to be down with the Carol's Daughters Clique but we haven't decided if we'll jump her in yet. All those years you reminded us we weren't friends are catching up now huh Carol? She wanna be down.

9. She can be in the third REM of sleep, HOWEVER COMMA if you turn that channel off that crime show, it's gonna be a problem. I swear she's trying to plan the perfect crime. She's gonna snitch on herself in exchange for a well seasoned, well-done wing.

10. On a serious note, my momma is real nice to other people, but she yells at us. We like when y'all come over because she's on her best behavior then. If y'all know a reasonable man over 50 with strong ears, patience and grilling skills let me know. It's time I pay her back for trying to hook me up with facially challenged coworkers of hers. Mom dukes is a hoot. She loves Jesus and First 48.

Look up Carol. Say Cheese

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