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  • Writer's pictureAshley Gray

10 Things I Think... Dear Santa.

So... I'm not quite in the Christmas spirit. At all. BUT. I still got a list of things I want from Santa. Like why is that kids have the brilliance and capacity to practice imagination, but adults don't? This adulting thing is a sham. So I'm hoping Santa or someother man that likes to bring gifts and cheer will send some goodness my way. Anywho... here it is. A list of things. All the things.

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is...

1. A DONE dissertation. Hella finished. Hella complete. Hella defended. I'm ready to be done.

2. I recently decided that I wanted Meg Thee Stalion's knees. I've changed my mind. She's working on a knee replacement and arthritis. Older Black folks call it "arthur"- eigther way, I don't want it. I really just want her little Black book. I'm sure her rolodex is impressive. I wanna be able to kick it with Terrance J and Teyana taylor nem.

3. Ay yo Nick, can you please get my IRB application approved? I explained IRB in my last post. It's basically the longest application ever. I just want it arrpoved the first time. I'm RET to finish this damn degree.

4. I would really like to push the sleigh one day. Like is it hybrid? Or like a heavy chevy? Do I have to put gas in it? Imagine bringing Santa back his sleigh on empty and he got somewhere to be.

5. On some real ish... I would really like someone to take my trash out, wash my car and shovel snow without me asking. Please. Like someone named Charles (pronounced "Chawlz") who is from Bowie by way of Tuscaloosa or Baton Rouge. I would like if he made a a seasonal pot of gumbo and bbq'd on special occasions. Also see: brown liquor.

6. I want a therapist who won't "old testament" me to death. I need her to be Black and understand the richness of "gubment cheese". I need her to know that my spirit responds best to trap gospel and that Lil' Romeo rap snacks are the greatest. Honorable mention to the Boosie Rap Snacks. Santa, can I also get a lifetime supply of lil romeo's also?

7. Santa... this one is very serious. I need you to read this carefully. If there is nothing else that you can grant on this list, please give me this one. Please stop Black people from talking on speaker phone in public places. "Did you tell "Pumpkin" (there's a "Pumpkin" in every Black family) to get collards this time? Last time she had a kale and mustard mix. Black folks don't eat that!" First, I enjoy some Kale and some mustard greens. Second, Brenda, we the occupiers of the local Safeway grocer deserve to preserve our cochlear energy. I'd rather have the bluetooth that the seasoned saints wear. You know the one that use to stretch across the whole face.

8. Santa, abs. ABS. Please, some abs. I want them to be effort and surgeryless.

9. Santa Christopher Wallace Claus, I want Marjorie Harvey's playbook. She has managed to secure a well funded life for herself and convince a man who used to wear a tupee that he was worth more. She upgraded him from square toe shoes, shoulder inserts and wide legged pants. She is the gift that keeps on giving. And she created Lori. Lori has twirled around the interest of very rich men like a nerf ball. I want to learn. I have to.

10. Student loan debt forgiveness. I'm gonna be honest- I ain't paying this back. I can't afford to. I hope they accidently forget because I ain't got it. I'd hate to have to recreate myself as a Trini woman named Esmeralda. Either way, y'all can't get it til I do.

Ok, on a serious note... I really want a few things this year. Here's my additional "real" list.

1. Body positivity. I'm so hard on myself. SO HARD.

2. Learn how to enjoy the process.

3. Not give everything a response. I need healp learning when,where and how to resist.

4. Shelter, security and resources for those without.

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