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  • Writer's pictureAshley Gray

10 Things I Think... ValentiMes Day specials

Alright... here it is. First, I've not had a Valentine's Day that blew my socks off. Perhaps we care too much about the day? This year, I'm going to make it easy. I'm launching my rental fine-wine-with-a-dime-VALENTIMES services. See below.

1. Package 1 $50: Facebook photo. Iphone X or better. We only do portrait mode over here. (No intrusive physical touch)

2. Package 2 $75: Coffee meetup where I surprise you with your favorite candy and a single red rose.

3. Package 3 $100: High School Prom like photo package. We can point our toes and I will wear French roll if necessary. Bedazzled hair jewelry is $20 extra.

4. Package 4 $125: Lunch date at your favorite place. Pinkies connected on the table. This package include 3-5 longing stares into your eyes and an on-cue blush when someone notices.

5. Package 5 $150: Dinner date. (White Castles is not an option). We will go to your favorite place for grub, hold hands, take a few snaps that will be uploaded to all platforms. Feed you one strawberry (side teeth required- back teeth optional). Champagne toast where we tangle and twist our arms. Gift exchange at the table (budget limit: $25).

6. Package 6 $185 "You look just yo momma": Meet the Family-Ish before dinner. We can do a casual drop-by with the family. I'll bring your mom a box of russell stovers and we will have a conversation about the goodness of the Lord. I will tell her that I give annually to the charity of her choice.

7. Package 7 $200 "We go together": This includes a facebook update attendance to your dad and step mom's all white lover's bash. I will dance with you for five songs. Choose wisely, my feet are gonna hurt in those roach stomping heels. (see: Monica's "Before You Walk Out My Life"). I'll dance with your pops (minimum distance between us 3 feet). I will do the toast before midnight that includes one old testament reference. I need to be home by 1am so the Waffle House visit after the party will need to be swift. (Cheese on errrthang).

8. Package 8 $250 "She said Yes". SO your family has been trying to get you in a serious relationship... and you've been lying about settling down. Perfect. While at the lover's bash, you can "pop the question" and I'll give you a full water works show. My nails will be expertly manicured and face beat by DaVinci.

9. Package 9 $350 "Down for the Struggle & the Cuddle): Cuddling. All night. DASS IT. Don't try me. Thumbs are essential to most things in life, and you'll have to find yours if you violate the contract. There's an upcharge of $15 if I need to be the big spoon. It's cold back there. This includes a fireside discussion about why you couldn't find someone that would cuddle with you for free. The session begins at midnight and I will leave by 6am in your work shirt and my heels. Your neighbors will think you're much cooler than you are. All sheets will be inspected upon arrival. My skin is sensitive. No murray's wave grease and please provide a bonnet for me.

10. On a serious note, any day about love is good with me. Please let it be just about that. All kinds of love. I'm going to Hooters because they have a logo and will let you shred a pic of your ex. COUNT ME IN! Happy Love Day y'all!


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